Star Wars: Night of the Norse
by prjones339
Summary: Being invited to the planet of Jotunheim by the king, Anakin, Obi-Wan, Ahsoka, and Senator Orn Free Ta learn a lesson or two in humility. just a stupid quick idea I had while reading some Norse mythology. Enjoy.


I own nothing: not Star Wars, not the Norse gods or monsters, nadda.

"Where are we going again?" Anakin asked Obi-Wan, wanting to do something to pass the time besides watch hyperspace go by.

"We were invited to a place called 'Jotunheim' by their king 'Utgaard-Loki,' I think they're interested in joining the Republic," Obi-Wan answered, "At least they seemed friendly and eager enough over first contact."

"And we decided to bring Senator Free Ta because…"

"Because the Chancellor said so."

"I just think there are plenty of others who are a bit more qualified-"

"Not every mission can involve your girlfriend."

"She's not my girlfriend Master!" Technically he was honest, since Senator Amidala was his wife not his girlfriend.

Falling out of hyperspace and landing at the specified coordinates, the pair of Jedi Masters, Ahsoka Tano, and Orn Free Ta exited the ship in a small clearing beside a forested road with a gargantuan sign pointing to their destination. Shrugging, the Jedi assumed they were probably cautious around off-worlders and wanted to guarantee their own safety. With that, the four began to walk down the road, for several hours. Granted Free Ta constantly needing to stop and rest didn't accelerate the process any.

"With all due respect Senator," Obi-Wan reminded him, "we are one a time crunch."

"I'm coming," Free Ta panted as he stood up again. It was past sunset and almost nightfall.

"Perhaps we _should_ stop for the night," Ahsoka suggested, pointing to a nearby cave, "We have no idea what creatures live here and walking around aimlessly in the dark doesn't sound like a good idea."

Obi-Wan nodded, "I'm inclined to agree with your Padawan, Anakin."

Nodding, the four entered the relatively small cave and went to sleep. However they were woken up by the ground shaking beneath them and the cave lurching forward to spit them out. Looking behind them, that was when they realized the tremors were not caused by tectonic activity but rather the single largest person they had ever seen. Easily 50 stories tall, and holding the previous night's shelter, the large man with long pointed ears not unlike those of Yoda noticed them and laughing asked them "Oh! Gnomes! What were you doing in my glove?"

Completely dumbstruck, Ahsoka had to try and keep from fainting while the other simply stared in awe.

"You must be hungry, no? Well feel free to take from my sack. Such tiny men as you can't eat too much, eh?" the giant laughed.

"A-e-u-Who, who are you?" Obi-Wan finally managed to stutter."

"Me? Oh, how rude of me! My name is Skrymer! Oh, are you the guests looking for Utgaard-Loki?"

"Y-yes," Anakin answered.

The giant Skrymer laughed again, a jolly fellow. "Oi! I can take you there, it's only another hour or two's walk, well, for _me _anyway! Bahahaha!"

"Uhm, thank you?" Senator Free Ta replied, happily accepting the opportunity to not have to walk but also terrified of the prospect of negotiating with literal giants.

Taking them group in his breast pocket, Skrymer picked up his sack and walked, their view now far above the tree line and with a titanic citadel in sight. He hummed and sang a happy tune as he casually strolled, flattening the forest with each step.

"_You see here a man infatued with love,_

_Her ardent and eager slave!_

_So fetch me the pomade and pumice stone,_

_and lend me a more seductive tone!_

_A sprinkling perhaps of Elvish cologne_

_But first sir, I think,_

_A shave!"_

Ahsoka had to admit, the man had pipes and tried to call out from the pocket, "Hey! You're great singer!"

"Thank you, little gnome!" Skrymer replied smiling. He finally came to the gates of the castle and lowered them to the ground, departing with a final "You little people seem alright! I hope all goes well for you! A bit of advice though, don't go bragging! King Utgaard-Loki is even bigger and stronger than I, and his thralls even more so!"

"What." Anakin stated, not really a question so much as a proclamation of disbelief.

"Good luck to you!" Skrymer called as waved goodbye, stepping over a lake as he continued his journey.

Turning back to the castle, Free Ta asked his Jedi escorts, "So… how do we get in?"

"It looks like we can probably fit between the doors." Ahsoka pointed out, demonstrating by slipping between the massive gates.

Shrugging the other three followed her example and squeezed between the doors to find themselves almost immediately in what appeared to be the throne room, dominated by the royal titan himself, Utgaard-Loki.

"So I ask the Republic for their finest, and this is what they send?" he asked incredulously after they had finally gotten his attention. "Two dwarves."

"Ow, my ego" Anakin commented.

"A fattened swine."

"Ow, my weight." Free Ta remarked, looking down.

"And… a kindergartener?"

"Ow, my age and late development." Ahsoka said, shrinking into herself.

At this point Utgaard-Loki began to guffaw uncontrollably. "Well, I hope you realize that I don't allow just anyone to stay in my fortress. All must prove themselves exceptional in some manner."

At this, Free Ta stood straighter, "Exceptional? Well, nobody can eat faster than me!"

"Unorthodox display of hubris but very well!" snapping his massive fingers a huge table filled with every food imaginable was brought out along with a normal looking human man who had red hair with blonde streaks. "If you can out-eat Logi then you may stay without question."

The rotund Twi'lek rubbed his hands together. "Hehehe, no problem!" he declared as he dived into the food. Within twenty minutes he was done and had met Logi in the middle, only to discover that while he had eaten the food and left any bones, Logi had eaten the food, bones, dishes, and _table_. "W-w-what?"

Unimpressed, Utgaard-Loki looked at the Jedi trio and asked, "Anyone else?"

Hesitantly stepping forward, "Well, your majesty, I'm the best runner I know."

"Challenge accepted!" Utgaard-Loki clapped his hands, sending a shockwave across the room and summoning a slender Twi'lek. "Run from where you stand to my throne against Hugi!"

"With pleasure, my lord." Ahsoka responded with a clumsy curtsy, earning a smirk even a discreet thumbs-up from the king, at least it would have been discreet were he not 100 stories tall. Readying herself next to the clearly cocky Twi'lek who didn't even get into position, she waited for a signal.

"Go!"

Ahsoka ran as fast as she could muster, getting nearly a quarter of the way across the room before "Halt!" Stopping and looking at the throne, who else was standing at the king's feet carelessly checking his fingernails but Hugi.

"A valiant effort young one," Utgaard-Loki commended her, "You may have lost but you are certainly one of the best runners we've had in a while."

"Yes sir, thank you."

"Either of you two?" Utgaard-Loki demanded.

Patting Anakin on the shoulder Obi-Wan said, "I think you got it."

"Uhm, drinking?"

Laughing, Utgaard-Loki reached down and handed Anakin a drinking horn of proper proportion to human sizes. "Take this! My thralls can finish in one drink, everyone else two, and _nobody _is so pathetic as to need three!"

Nodding in understanding, Anakin threw back the horn, chugging what seemed like just saltwater. He wasn't entirely sure how drinking saltwater was supposed to prove his exceptional manliness but whatever. Finally he reached a point where he could barely tolerate any more and had to stop. Sure he was near the bottom by now. Looking into the horn, he saw that he barely made a dent. Taking a short break while the king laughed at his expense, he tried drinking it again. Again he barely made a dent. For his third attempt he pushed himself as hard as he could possibly go until finally his lungs screamed for air and his throat to be relieved of its saline torment. Lowering the horn, he saw that the water level had lowered significantly but he wasn't even half-way through it.

"Well, I wouldn't normally suggest this to a mighty Jedi Knight but since you have proven yourself to be a massive wuss why don't you try picking up my cat?" the king taunted, pointing to a tiny kitten purring against Ahsoka's leg and being cooed at and pet by the Togruta who was clearly in love with the tiny animal.

Grumbling in humiliation he grabbed the cat and stood, only to realize with horror in his eyes that _only_ _the cat's back_ followed him.

"Did you just _break_ the king's pet?" Ahsoka squeaked in fear. They were going to be executed for this.

"Don't worry, that's just a cat thing," Utgaard-Loki explain to his terrified guests, "He's fine. We're not sure if cats are a liquid, a solid, or somewhere in-between."

Nodding in relief, Anakin grabbed more cat and lifted it, only to find that the kitten had somehow stretched even further and despite the tiny animal's spine being far above Anakin's head the little paws were planted firmly on the floor. Going almost mad with his desire to pick up the kitten, he threw the feline spine back to the cat and grabbed it with the Force, using every bit of concentration he had ever had for the singular goal of lifting the kitty. He could hear the floor cracking around them both, but his increasingly insane eyes remained fixated on the cat who had since stopped grooming himself and was now looking around in confusion. Finally, after getting only a single paw of the ground Anakin had to stop, nearly exhausting himself from the exertion. The kitten then leapt into Ahsoka's arms while she continued to play with him.

The king was now laughing like mad while Anakin was infuriated. He was hungry, he smelled like a sweaty pocket, and he was utterly humiliated. He wanted to punch something. "Let me fight somebody!"

Utgaard Loki happily obliged and showed Anakin his target: the smallest, frailest old woman he had ever seen in his life. "There is your opponent!"

"NO!"

"Yes!"

Hobbling over, the little old lady pinched Anakin's cheek, "Oh you seem like such a nice young man. Bit of an anger problem though." With that comment she flung him across the room and into the wall.

"Alright you old fossil," Anakin hissed, "This is war." With that he charged at the old woman to continue their fight, not willing to suffer another embarrassment. He managed to get the granny into a chokehold for a few seconds before she elbowed him in the gut and threw him to the ground, pinning him. The fight lasted a total of two minutes. He couldn't help but scream in desperate confusion, "WHAT IS HAPPENING?!"

Utgaard-Loki was no longer laughing, instead he looked terrified. "Time to purify my intentions, as it were: I am an illusionist and a prankster who wanted to have a bit of a laugh at your expense, but you have nearly _destroyed the universe_ trying to best my challenges."

"Say what now?" Ahsoka asked, still petting the kitten curled into her arms mewing.

"Logi, show them your true form," Utgaard-Loki ordered. Without hesitation the redheaded man burst into a shapeless mass of flames. "Logi is the incarnation of a wildfire, that is why you could not best him Senator, but the fact that you came close is both disgusting and terrifying."

Orn Free Ta smiled at the revelation.

"Ahsoka Tano," the king explained, "Hugi is the personification of _thought_. No one can outrun the speed of thought, but you came closer than any before!"

She grinned and cuddled the cat even closer.

"And Anakin… oi, allow me to _show _you _what you did_." Opening what looked like a portal to Kamino given the architecture, however unlike Kamino he could actually see land, tiny islands under and around the buildings. "The drinking horn was connected to the oceans of Kamino, literally undrinkable, and you lowered the sea levels enough to reveal land for the first time in almost 100,000 years."

"Wow."

"My cat?" he snapped his fingers to drop the illusion and the cat jumped out of Ahsoka's arms, shifting into a colossal sea monster snake, "That was really the world-serpent Jörmungandr, whose coils envelope the entire universe and hold its shape. The fact that you even managed to lift a single paw nearly brought all known life to an end by causing nearly irreparable structural damage to the very fabric of time and space."

"I, uhm..." Anakin babbled, trying to comprehend what was going on.

Ahsoka looked at the former kitten Jörmungandr and went to pet his scaled hide, "Not a cat anymore, but still cute." Surprisingly the world-serpent was rather fond of her sentiment and purred in pleasure.

"Finally, the old woman who has you pinned?" Utgaard-Loki explained in sheer horror, "She is the avatar of Death. The fact that you were able to resist her for even a second puts you on par with the gods!"

"Please don't tell him that," Obi-Wan begged, " Please, his ego already knows no bounds."

"For your safety and that of my people, _get out of my house!_" Utgaard-Loki practically screamed in terror.

Making it back to their ship and exiting the planet's atmosphere, the world below them faded into seeming nonexistence as Utgaard-Loki's illusions concealed Jotunheim from the view of the wider galaxy.

Would they have a story to tell.


End file.
